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llllllllll allRIGHTSreserved
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
alright now yea see what happens when you play with fire you get burned. so you can stop now you learned your lesson right? can you come back now? like just saying cause like if you start with other things now then you could be causing some trouble for you self just so you know? hm you probably wont listen to me cause you think i don't know shit WHICH I DO FWI!!! but do take this in to consideration. do not let your pride and the beliefs of others sway you to endanger your self. i mean think for your self don't let others walk all over you. make you own thoughts don't take some one else's. if you do something it's because you said so. if you become some one make sure its because you want to become that person. don't do things so others will accept you. as long as you'er happy with your self its all good in the hood ya dig? in the most simple way i can think to say this... don't do shit just cause every ones else is. if they jumped of the school would you do it to? Lol any way just do you, for you. oh yeah and STOP DOING STUPIED THINGS OR YOUR HOUSE WILL GET RAIDED LOL!
-M.Luis
my imagination at
9:21 PM
i miss you. really and sincerely i miss you. i really don't know why its just i want you around again you know? but like i feel that its almost my fault that you don't come and chill now. did it scare you? i never asked many questions after every thing happened. some times it still makes me mad when i think of every thing that took place. you couldn't have said something earlier? looking back their were so many things that should have set you off allot sooner then it did. what was your first thought when you found out for sure? scared, disgusted, faltered, annoyed??? questions like this are the things that bother me. i need to tie up my loses ends. i guess maybe closer? not just with you with other things to. hm... getting off topic any way i guess what i'm trying to say is that...hm... i want you to care you know? it just seems like you don't want to see me. like the less the better almost. hm maybe that's it. i don't know i guess i just want you to miss me like i miss you. ya know?
-M.Luis
my imagination at
8:52 PM
Thursday, August 20, 2009
hm, never though i would do this one. more and more as time goes by I've come to notice the distance between me and my blood. even since i was younger i noticed it but as time passes they gap grows bigger and bigger. now I'm starting to acknowledge this allot more as the conversations have been cut down to one word sentences.
its funny, not to long before i gave up and decided to keep the distance, even widen it i remember i would get mad when i would talk to my mom telling her a story she asked me to tell. she wouldn't really listen. the second some one else in the room walked in the room i would be stopped in mid-sentence and completely forgotten. i don't care any more. really i don't. i just don't tell her stuff any more.
*
my dad..hm my dad. even since i was small he would take out his anger on me allot. i was the one to always screw up. that's what i used to think, hell i still think it now. i was never the average soccer playing porkchop he wanted . I've always fallowed my own way. if i ever co-operated it was because i wanted to prove to him that i could be "normal" to. i wanted him to accept me or something i guess. i gave that up a long time ago. he never really accepted me for who i am and probably never will. i have more memories of him getting mad at me and and bitching at me then i do of good memories with him. i have a couple really strong memories of him seriously insulting me. telling me I'm stupid when i was in grade five because i would do so bad on my spelling test...hm kinda funny now i guess. i remember thinking things like "what would you know you hardly did school at all." and wanting to cry so bad. we sat there for half an hour him just lecturing me about how stupid i am and how i don't try in tone's that were all him just mocking me the hole time he would start to laugh when he turned a page "HAHA! oh look at that a hole six word right! whats wrong with you!! i don't understand why you don't do good! you need to smarten up!!!" he would say the last part in an angry voice through clenched teeth looking like his head was about to explode. i remember imaging that actually happening thinking that he would just go away. from grade five to eight i was bullied allot to the point were i would want to stay home allot i would fake sick like three times a month. this was when my mom still really did listen to me and i would tell her about what was going on. i would rarely tell my dad any thing cause he would make it worse he would be embarrassed for me and instead of giving me support he would say some thing along the lines of "come on don't let them just walk all over you! see this happened because you wont just be normal like the other kids!" hm i think that's why i refuse to change my views for any one now. i remember the one time i decided to stand up to him and started screaming at him the fight went on for hours and nothing was established or fixed. in the end i just gave up on it he didn't listen at all and never tried to understand me he just proclaimed that GAY is a bad word and not to say it in front of him. God looking back it was all so bad cause i was always so scared for some reason. he was always so mad. things are different now. he doesn't get mad as often because we hardly interact he gave up on me because i never wanted to be with him alone. i was always to scared. now the only time he really talks to me is to know were the rest of the family is or if he needs help with something even then half the time he gets mad at me cause i hate construction and and get anoied and frustrated and I'm not afraid to let him know it any more. i don't care when he gets mad. i just get mad to and i don't care to try to hide or please him any more. he still doesn't accepted me. what i do or how i look like or act but he has accepted that he can't change me and that I'm going to be who ever i want whether he likes it or not. when he comes home and sees one of my sisters he would say "Hi Batata how are you? how was your day?" then he sees me and just asks were the phone. what ever. i don't care any more. really i don't. i just don't talk to him any more.
to be continued.
-M.Luis;
my imagination at
8:26 PM
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